I never know what I want to say in blog situations and posts, but I know I want to say things. I often write, post, and delete. And maybe I will again. Regardless of what it means to you, people in my life continually say "you do you" to me. I think it started with the teenagers I nanny and has somehow permeated into my adult life. I don't care why. I am glad that it has. So, here are my rambling Thursday night thoughts as I sit here feeling like this week has been a week for the books. Not interested in telling you about my week though. While potentially entertaining, I want to tell you about friends and late night chats.
My friends are vast and powerful and available people.
I have had the pleasure of having two of those really "gotcha" conversations this week. You know the ones I mean. I hope. The ones that make you stop and think about your life. The ones that influence the direction your day takes. I made a decision months and months ago (maybe years?) that I never wanted to talk about the weather again. (And, of course, I do..it's inevitable when we are living on the surface of the sun right now.) However, the spirit of the decision is that I want everything to be full all the time. I want a full life, a full day, a full conversation, a full glass. :)
"Gotcha" conversation 1 - Carrying around Shit
You know the shit that you carry around with you after something happens. There's the kind that just sticks in your brain and serves no purpose. The lingering feelings of angst after driving in bad traffic, the clerk at CVS who seemingly hates his job, the weird conversation you had with a friend that threw everything off a bit... Shit. Not bad shit. Just things that don't serve you. These are not things that define you. These are usually not things that are even about you. These are just things. Things that have happened in the past that you continue to bring into the present.
Now, those are fairly nominal things.
There's also the big shit. The shit that includes words like vulnerable, confused, hurt, scared...all the things people are a bit less interested in talking about. Shit like my friend from high school that is dealing with breast cancer. Shit like the teenagers I nanny dealing with their parents getting a divorce. You know. Things we attribute a lot of heaviness too.
In talking with my friend today, I learned that both his parents and his dog (best friend kind of dog...as if there is any other) died in the last year. That's heavy. That's a lot to carry if you want to carry it. He doesn't want to. He talked about how people were judging him all the time because in spite of these events in his life, he is happy. He used the phrase, "you choose to create the world you live in every day." You can choose to let things change the course of your day, or you can choose to "create the world around you that you want to live in". This is not exactly the same thing as "happiness is a choice," although I believe it can be at times. If things feel bad, go for a walk, eat ice cream, call a friend. If you want to live in the bad, do that. Be angry, watch a few TV shows, workout with a grumpy face on. If that is the space and world you need to live in for awhile, go for it. But, it's temporary. And while honoring how you feel is always important, so is figuring out how to realign or reset yourself again.
And the "gotcha" for me in this regard is the idea that all things you carry around are temporary, and they only gain momentum if you go down that path. Since they are already in the past, they only exist if you continue to bring them into the present.
Hmmmm...
"Gotcha" Conversation 2 - Distractions, Energy and Gut Feelings
I've been hyperaware lately of how busy these last few weeks have been. Intentionally, I have said yes to more things. Unintentionally, that has led to a lot of long days. Not a complaint. Just an observation. And an awareness that there is tricky space between doing things that create happiness (or the potential for happiness) in your life, and just doing things.
There have been so many conversations that have touched on this lately with people in my life that I finally started listening. Conversations about people being "numb" and zoning out to unwind. Conversations about not being able to dissipate energy, just transfer it. I think sometimes the universe taps you on the shoulder through the words of those around you. :) In the world we live in, distractions are so easy and so available. It's much harder to just sit and be present.
I forget sometimes that I surround myself with people who are really focused, present people. I don't mean they work really hard and stay focused (although they can I suppose). I mean that they are asking questions, exploring their hearts, minds, lives. They are present, changing, evolving...
I often feel like there's a law of attraction situation in the works. I met with someone on Tuesday afternoon about working together. After five minutes, he said that we just should and I totally agreed with him. I was reminded that two of my very best friends are people I just connected with and wanted in my life. One was working all day on a music video set with me as the 1AC. I gave him my card at the end of the day and told him to contact me and go out for coffee. I hired him for my next project and he is now one of my most trusted friends. Another I met in an acting class and told her that we should be friends. We are. These are two of the best. Both thought my approach was odd and intriguing. Both are amazing. I feel really blessed having them in my life. And I'm reminded that when you have those moments, where you just know things and act on them, beautiful things can happen. Beautiful people can enter your lives and just stick.
The "gotcha" for me is that distractions are easy, energy is finite and how/who you choose to spend energy on is important. Those expenditures should bless your life in some way.
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Not sure this ties together, but I warned you about the ramblings right from the start.
I guess it is this: the less distracted you are, the less shit you choose to carry, the less you let other people bring your energy down, the more open you are to new things, experiences, people, growth, (dare I say) happiness and trust. Trusting yourself and trusting those you let into your lives to share your time, energy and space.
And for those of you who shared in many other "gotcha" conversations with me this week, I'm grateful. And I'm always interested in more. That's all. :)
